When Mom Isn’t Herself: Facing the Truth About Dementia

By Janet Williams, CDP, CADDCT, CMC

StilMee™ — The Leader in Dementia Coaching

We want Mom to stay the strong, capable person we’ve always known.

You’ve been noticing the subtle shifts for a while now.

Mom repeats herself more than usual. She loses her place in conversations. She hesitates before answering questions or forgets appointments she used to handle with ease. At first, you explain it away—she’s grieving Dad, the move was stressful, or maybe she’s just getting older. We all want to believe that. We want Mom to stay the strong, capable person we’ve always known.

But then something changes.

You realize this is more than aging and now you have to face the truth about dementia.

Understanding Dementia: More Than Forgetfulness

Dementia isn’t a specific disease—it’s a term that describes a pattern of cognitive decline. That decline might affect memory, reasoning, language, focus, or judgment. When those changes become persistent and begin to interfere with everyday functioning, it’s time to dig deeper.

A proper diagnosis is essential. Some causes of dementia-like symptoms—like infection, vitamin deficiencies, thyroid issues, or medication interactions—can be reversed or treated. Others, like Alzheimer’s disease or Lewy Body Dementia, are progressive but manageable with the right care and support.

Fear Looks Like Many Things

Mom may not tell you outright that she’s afraid. She might become more withdrawn, anxious in social situations, or resistant to your help. She might lash out, question your intentions, or accuse you of trying to control her. These behaviors are often her way of expressing confusion, fear, or a desperate attempt to hold onto her independence.

Remember: her perception is real to her, even if it’s no longer grounded in fact. Arguing won’t help. What will help is your presence, your patience, and your ability to step into her world with compassion.

Taking the First Steps as a Care Partner

When you realize someone you love has dementia, you don’t just start helping—you begin a journey. And like any journey, it starts with learning how to navigate the new landscape.

You may need to step in more often for safety, health, or daily routines. That doesn’t mean taking over completely. It means learning where support is needed, how to maintain dignity, and when to adjust expectations.

Two common mistakes families make:

• Doing everything: This often leads to frustration and resistance from the person with dementia.

• Doing nothing: Out of respect or denial, some families delay making necessary changes.

Instead, take a balanced approach. Respect Mom’s autonomy where you can, but step in when her safety or well-being is at risk. It’s not about control—it’s about care.

Build a Support System, Not a Solo Mission

You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t.

Start building your care network:

• Explore home care or adult day options.

• Connect with your local Council on Aging.

• Learn about memory support programs and respite care.

• Work with an elder law attorney to organize legal and financial matters.

• Involve other family members and friends—early and often.

And most importantly, educate yourself about dementia. Understanding the changes your loved one is experiencing will help you respond with empathy, not frustration.

Growing Through the Journey

At StilMee™, we believe caregiving changes you. It deepens your capacity for patience, compassion, and resilience. It invites you to grow—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

As Zig Ziglar once said, “What you get by achieving your goals (being the best care partner) is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

Through this journey, you’re not just helping Mom—you’re becoming a stronger, wiser, more compassionate version of yourself. That growth is a gift.

And remember: you’re not alone on this road. StilMee is here to walk it with you.